Dead
by Daydreamishly
Summary: She was not part of the plan. Well, not that I actually had a plan, per say. But if I had had one, she would not have been a part of it. Because she is Alive. And suddenly, Dead was not fine.Jesse's PoV. Please R&R. JS


A/N: I love this fic. I know it sounds self-centered, but this may be the best thing I've ever written, so I'm very proud. It has a nice theme. Please review.

Disclaimer: I'm not Meg. But boy, don't I wish I were. I mean, who wouldn't want to own Paul/Jesse/Rob/Michael, so on and so forth...? ::drool::

* * *

Start

* * *

It wasn't always like this.

Dead was fine. I had gotten used to it. I had had over a century of this, after all. Dead was like Alive, except no one to talk to. But even Alive, I was anti-social. So I guess it wasn't too much of a change. And I got to watch the world develop. My sisters never knew about TVs or VCRs or anything like that. But I did. I was Dead, in an Alive sort of way. Dead was fine.

Susannah, however. She was not part of the plan. Well, not that I actually had a plan, per say. But if I had had one, she would not have been a part of it. Because she is Alive. And suddenly, Dead was not fine. Dead, I had thought, was fine, and nothing had ever happened, or ever would happen, I thought, to change that. Susannah, however.

I didn't exactly like her. At first. But, seeing as she was the only one I had spoken to in over a hundred years, I quickly decided my options were very, very limited. She was forward, stubborn, and intelligent, so unlike any girl I had ever met. Even the former inhabitants of this room of the female persuasion weren't at all like her. She was bold. My surprise at her personality was not miniscule. And, truth be told, I didn't exactly like her.

But she surprised me. She wasn't completely self-absorbed and rash, as I had originally thought. She was considerate, and guided lost souls to Heaven or Hell, or, as she liked to remind me, possibly their next life. She was thoughtful, too. Naturally, her work required mostly actions of instinct, but whenever possible she too her time and came up with a solution that, in her mind, would work. And though sometimes it didn't, there was always the fact that she had contradicted my opinions of her and thought things through. She would make a suitable companion, I thought, but never anything more. But she surprised me.

I don't know what started it. But somewhere along the way, I had just called her querida again, like I had become accustomed to doing, and I realized that I loved her. And, why not? She was beautiful, intelligent, brave, kind, but not kind enough to be bent by others. She was respectable, and alluring. And I, truth be told, was, before I knew it, completely enthralled. I was obsessed. I would watch her, and fantasize about her. Then something began happening more unreal than ever before. I became jealous over her. And yet, I don't know what started it.

I was in love with her. But jealousy had never, in Alive or Dead, been my nature. But I saw her staring at boys, talking to them. And then kissing them. Susannah brought out a part of me Alive had always failed to reveal. And no one ever told me how these feelings I had were to be dealt with. Jealousy, anger, self-pity... Love. And she continued to glow. To be Alive. This isn't, I thought, as thrilling as I thought. Scary, more like. But, like it or not, there was no escaping the fact that I was in love with her.

The way she was Alive. There was so much Alive about her. She smiled, frowned, spoke, walked, fought, slept, even, with Alive all around her. She was this hardened, yet fragile creature, who seamed to have angel wings and halos calling to her, but she could never accept their call, for her duty came first and foremost. It, she said to herself sometimes, when she thought I wasn't listening, had to be like that. Because that was the only way the world could survive. That she could survive. It was the way she was Alive.

And I was Dead. There wasn't enough Alive or Dead to change that. And it made me feel angry, to know that I was the one type of person she could not have- the Dead kind. For it was true. She could have any man out there she chose, for they all loved her. Not as much as I did, maybe. But they, in their small, pathetic way, I thought moodily, did. She could have her choice of any man there. Any man Alive could be hers. And I was Dead.

She had no reason to choose me. I was not worthy of being chosen. But I still cared, embracing her, talking to her, kissing her, even, whenever I so dared. I felt shame always afterward, of course. But for those few moments of being with her, I could forgive any flaw in my cool behavior. Because I knew that in the end it wouldn't count for anything, so it shouldn't be made into a bigger problem than necessary. She was Alive. She had no reason to choose me.

And yet she did. She never once complained when I let myself become to emotional, though I was too blind to see it. She sometimes would call my name in her sleep, but that, I thought, was only because we had had many an ordeal faced together, and she would relive them in her dreams. I knew I had to distance myself. She would not appreciate knowing I love her, and she would most likely want to be left alone in any event. Hadn't she, after, when we'd first met, asked me to leave her room? And now I shudder, knowing the way things turned out in the end, to think upon what I did next. I avoided her. You'd think that, after what I put her through, she would never love me. And yet she did.

And I felt guilty. I was Dead, she deserved Alive. I wished, for the first time in nearly two centuries, I was Alive again. I continued separating myself from her, because now I knew she loved me, all I had truly wanted, and she was too good for me. And angel could not be forced to dance with the peasant. It would not be fair. She deserved her own angel. And I wasn't it. And when I heard her cry at night, I did not come to her. She deserved more. She was sad. And I felt guilty.

But she assured me it was what she wanted. After our second kiss, when I confined myself within walls far from hers... She became depressed. We went full months without seeing each other. I couldn't allow myself to see her. She was Alive, I reminded myself, and I was Dead. She tried to tell me, I think. Every night she'd come home from school and call. But I had to resist. And I did. Susannah did not give up so easily, however. But when she did, she went all out. Suddenly, I couldn't sense her, like I usually could. No matter where she was in the world, I had always been able to feel her being Alive somewhere. But suddenly, I couldn't. I went to the place where I had last sensed her, for there were many possible reasons in my head that could explain what had happened, none of the in the least bit good. I lifted the pillow. Her entire face was blue. But she had a pulse. There was no evidence of intrusion. She had done this to herself, because of me. But my thoughts were interrupted by her brother, the youngest, who had by chance ventured into her room, looking for assistance. She was taken to the hospital, and her health restored. When she awoke and saw me, she started crying. Her parents asked her what was wrong. The doctor made them leave, for she thought Susannah just needed rest. She called me, and I held her, and kissed her. I gave up. She deserved more, but wanted me. Who was I to deny an angel happiness? She told me that it was a good thing I'd come, and a glint in her eye told me she knew I would. But how, I asked. How had she known. Her eyes suddenly became very, very sad, and she told me in the most sincere voice I'd heard her ever use, "I didn't." And then I knew she was telling the truth. She would give up everything to be with me, including her own life. I asked if I could kiss her. I knew I didn't need to. But she, for my benefit, assured me it was what she wanted.

And I agreed. We had our third kiss in the hospital room, and I stopped avoiding her. She seemed to think we were meant to be together, Even though I was Dead and she Alive. And I agreed.

I have her now, and we seem such perfect soul mates, and know each other so well, that it's hard to believe it wasn't always like this.

It wasn't always like this. Dead was fine. Susannah, however. I didn't exactly like her. But she surprised me. I don't know what started it. I was in love with her. The way she was Alive. And I was Dead. She had no reason to choose me. And yet she did. And I felt guilty. But she assured me it was what she wanted. And I agreed.

* * *

End.


End file.
